I was once told in a class for my daycare license that the difference between a love for a child from a mother and a day care provider was that a mothers love was hot and a providers love was warm. A mothers love is fierce, protective, deep, passionate and eternal. A providers love is giving, safe, and when needed. Having a Day Care in my home with my son as one of the kids has been a journey for me to balance my hot love for him out while trying to care for him and the other kids. On one hand I see my son in the way of a mother, trying to protect my young at any cost. On the other it is about being objective and helping all the children in a way that aids their development. This week that was balance was testing in a profound way for me.
On Monday one of my clients came to me and said that her 5 year old claimed that she was being bullied by my 2 year old son. She also said her 2.5 year old was saying "he hit me" over and over. This is the same child who every time was at my house would go to the window and whimper "I'm sorry mommy" over and over and rarely play in my care. The child who got owned by a 10 month old. The child who would only play with his sister, and when she was here the two children formed a clique and never would play with other children. The same child, who hit my son on the head repeatedly with a drum stick. When I took the drum stick away and told him that it was for the drum and using it on my son this was was not safe, he had a mental break down and screamed for 20 minutes. I have been working with kids almost 20 years now, and kids hit each other and take toys from each other all the time, especially 2 year old boys. This is normal behavior... and to hear that woman call my son a bully when he is acting within the normal diaspora for a toddler.. well my blood boiled. I was so mad I simply smiled and told her if she felt that way it was best not to come back, while in my head I was jumping at her like a protective lion clawing her face off. How dare she talk about my son like that, I was raging in my head. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that I thought there was something wrong with her son, that he was wimpy and low functioning emotionally. I have been tooling the scene through my head all week. Trying to put it out of my head.. which has been challenging. I keep reminding myself that this wasn't my fault and my son was being completely normal for his age.. and feeling sorry for that woman that she would assume that I would let her kids get hurt in my care, and that I wouldn't protect them. Feeling sorry for those kids because obviously they don't have a parent that would teach them to handle adversity and face the world head on, showing them how to handle dealing socially with different personalities. Teaching them to cower in fear for something so petty, it just boggles my mind. But despite that my "motherly" hot love has been taking over and.. Im just so angry! I have been meditating and trying to not think about it all week.. but ya.. I'm mad.. no matter what I tell myself. This was the first time for me to have my motherly instinct enraged...and I know it will be challenged again... Hopefully I find ways of coping and taming the beast within before the next time. How do you cope with your motherly hot love?
7 comments:
I haven't had to deal with that testing as I don't know if I could ever take on watching anyone else's kid for any longer than once and a while short periods of time. I am definitely in the "I like my kid" and children that are related to me, but otherwise I don't care.
I think what makes this situation worse is not solely the bully comment in regards to your son, but the fact that you are there to witness most interactions. I know for me someone calling not only my child into question, but my abilities and even intergrity into question as well - you are a much better person than I am to hold your tongue.
ya... Although I am confident in my abilities. I have always received tons of compliments and praises from my clients and when i worked at a center from my bosses. I know I am good with kids..its my calling in life. Honestly I think she should just suck my proverbial cock.
I sure would not put my children in a home where someone made a comment like this:
" I wanted to scream at her and tell her that I thought there was something wrong with her son, that he was wimpy and low functioning emotionally. "
She's better off not bringing her children back to you, if that's what you think of them.
Because someone who has worked with children for 20 years, including several years with children in a special needs environment is not allowed to have an opinion on behavior without an actual diagnosis :::rolls eyes::: And because its normal for an almost 3 year old to cry for an hour because a 10mo took a toy from him even after extensive comfort from me.. and refuse to play at all unless his sister was there and just sit there and whimper her name... sorry but that is not normal. I have a few suggestions for you:
-posting anonymous venom on a persons blog only makes you look like a pussy.. yep I said it.. you are a pussy.. how about next time you post with an identity and grow a pair.
-maybe you should reread the post and take a further understanding on the topic at hand... its about the love of mama bear... its hot and irrational and scathing...that biological and subconscious primal protective nature of a mother...
"Anonymous", you need to have a recto-craniectomy. In other words, get your head out of your ass. You see, Jasmine expressed her inner DESIRE to tell the parent of the poorly socialized, disruptive, and out-and-out wuss of a child while making it very clear that she practiced the restraint that professionalism dictates is necessary in such circumstances.
YOUR apparent lack of inate protectiveness and parental love indicates that you either 1) are not a parent or 2) are (or would be) a piss-poor excuse for one. It is INSTINCT to want to make sure that one's child is not the subject of attacks from others. This instinct is what led to the wuss-child's parents to remove him from what they seem to have viewed as a hostile environment. It is also what led to Jasmine's unrealized desire to tell the parent what she thought of the wuss-child. The difference is the parent chose to attack Jasmine's child by calling him a bully. Jasmine has the professionalism and decorum to refrain from returning the favor.
Now...if you would like to put your child in an environment where it's okay for him or her to be directly verbally attacked by an adult, that is up to you. Since I am a GOOD parent, I would prefer to have my child placed with someone like Jasmine who has the self control to overcome her base instincts and act in a professional manner.
No, I'd prefer to put my children somewhere that when I express a concern, I get a calm, rational discussion, not a pissed off harpy telling me not to come back because her little angel certainly could NOT be the issue.
If you had concerns with this woman's child having some sort of developmental issue, you should have calmly brought it to her attention BEFORE she came to you with a concern about your child being a bully.
As your response to both the mother in this post and to me show, whether your child is a bully or not - YOU certainly are.
"Spiritual Mother" my ass.
Oh on multiple occasions I informed her of her sons behavior.. she just said "he doesn't do that at home".. blowing what I said off... and it was put in a nice way. And as a provider that is all I can do.. it is not my job to diagnose or offer treatment for special needs unless it is done by a doctor and a parent tells me how the doctors wish it to be handled. My home is a loving sanctuary for children where they are allowed to be who they are. Yes they all take toys from each other and run into each other.. and sneak their favorite food off their neighbors plates, but that is normal toddler behavior and something every child needs to learn. That is why I informed her before she even started her children with me that my son and was high energy and liked to rough house... as well as most of my other kids that are here. That is why all the rest of my families love me, because I follow their wishes with their children and support their development based on their wishes.
I never once (and never will) be a "pissed off harpy" who says that.. the fact I told her that my son is rough and tough and he has a hard time understanding that others aren't, and that it would take a long long time for him to be able to understand that (but what boy at age two doesn't have that issue) is proof of that.
As for me being a bully.. Defending myself from defamation from someone who doesn't even have the balls to use even an online identity is not being a bully..it is self defense. And getting rid of a family from my care because they "do not feel" safe is called turning the other cheek.. I chose not to fight with her.. I chose to politely say that her son was not a right fit. She didn't trust me enough to know that no matter what I would keep her son safe to the best of my abilities and I responded by saying "I am sorry you feel that way"...while she put my son down and I again said "Im sorry you feel that way"..and that makes me a bully?? I would have to say that you are the bully m'am .. coming on here and taking things out of context and being rude to me and my family... I would guess that you either are phishing or have an issue yourself and are taking it out on me.. and that right there is the definition of being a bully.. I would know since I have attended trainings on bullying prevention.
And following a spiritual path is a journey.. it does not make me Gandhi.. All one can do is try to be the best person that they can be.. at least I am putting myself out there and trying instead of hiding behind a curtain and pulling strings like the wizard of oz.
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