What Now...

This is not my first pregnancy loss.  Back in 2006 I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks.  As soon as I found out, I lost the pregnancy.  It took me a long time to heal.  We still started trying right away after the loss. But this is different this time.  I was pregnant for an entire trimester.  I went through all the symptoms, being nauseated all day every day, and struggling to stay awake.  I even got to feel the baby kicking me in those final weeks of being pregnant.  I had much longer to get used to the idea of having another child.  But now that is gone.

It has made some things very hard.  Facebook is just horrible at times, and it makes me glad I have 2 accounts because honestly, my primary account is loaded with other child bearing mothers and I see a pregnancy announcement every week it feels like.  Going out and about is hard too, because pregnant women are everywhere.  I am very happy for them, but every time I see a round belly, it is a reminder that My Jessie is gone.  We went from planning to have another family member to trying to cope as a family with the loss of that new family member.  My 3 year old son was just starting to get the concept that mommy had a baby in her tummy.  He still asks about "Mommies Baby" and I just do not know what to say to him.   He understands death as squishing a bug. 

I now get some perks, like being able to drink at a bunch of parties and gatherings that I was not going to be able to.  I am actually looking forward to getting a bit tipsy at the Samhain festival in a few weeks.  I am also looking forward to the homemade hard cider my friends are making for Yule.  I got to dye my hair seeing as that I had massive roots from getting highlights early in the summer.  I also do not have to worry about the fact that I only had one pair of Maternity jeans and had to buy more for the winter to make it through till March, when I was due.  I also get to do some magical workings I was wanting to do since I do not do spell work while pregnant.  And I get to be intimate with my hubby without worrying If my nausea will take over and I will get sick on him.

But none of that compares to having my child that I was expecting in my arms and alive and healthy.  Healing emotionally is the hardest part of it all.  There is nothing anyone can really say that makes the pain hurt less.  Some people suggest turning to faith to heal.  And I do, but no matter how much I meditate or cleanse with salt, or how often I wear hematite, nothing is a cure all.  I know that only time can heal these wounds. 

I find strength in staying busy.  I have been writing more blogs, working on planning the Samhain Retreat, working, cleaning my house over and over... the list goes on and on.  I find that the more I do physically, the less time I have to think about how sad I am about loosing my child.  Having a long to do list is so comforting.  I just worry that if I do not face these emotions I will not heal the way I need to.  

There is one thing that I am hoping helps with the healing process, a passing ritual for Jessie.  My close friend Coedwig will be doing the ritual in Jessie's Honor in a few weeks.  He planned our sons baby blessing for us and it was wonderful.  I am hoping that ritually saying goodbye helps and I feel closure in some aspects.   But I know that the pain of this all will always be with me.  I hope that I can find the inner strength to grow from this experience and find peace with it all. 

The Goddess Series- Intro

Yesterday Morning I went and got a new tattoo. I have been asking my husband to get a new tattoo for 8 months now (we always decide on things outside our budget together). Yesterday he finally said yes. I went to the tattoo shop and got a spiral Goddess on my right ankle. For me this is a symbol I have been wanting to get for a long time. I have been wanting to find ways on how to honor my inner Goddess. Being a Goddess is part of being a mother. We bring life into this world and nourish it and help it grow. We slowly plant the seeds of the seeds of the next generation and the future. This is an important job and in turn it is important to honor the Goddess within ourselves.

It is because of this that we will venture into, for the next few months or longer, the Goddess Series here at the Spiritual Mother. We will cover many aspects of goddesses including discussing different goddesses around the world, honoring her in yourself, teaching your children about goddesses and more. I can't wait to share this with you and want to remind all the women out there that you are a Goddess!

Hot Love

I was once told in a class for my daycare license that the difference between a love for a child from a mother and a day care provider was that a mothers love was hot and a providers love was warm. A mothers love is fierce, protective, deep, passionate and eternal. A providers love is giving, safe, and when needed. Having a Day Care in my home with my son as one of the kids has been a journey for me to balance my hot love for him out while trying to care for him and the other kids. On one hand I see my son in the way of a mother, trying to protect my young at any cost. On the other it is about being objective and helping all the children in a way that aids their development. This week that was balance was testing in a profound way for me.

On Monday one of my clients came to me and said that her 5 year old claimed that she was being bullied by my 2 year old son. She also said her 2.5 year old was saying "he hit me" over and over. This is the same child who every time was at my house would go to the window and whimper "I'm sorry mommy" over and over and rarely play in my care. The child who got owned by a 10 month old. The child who would only play with his sister, and when she was here the two children formed a clique and never would play with other children. The same child, who hit my son on the head repeatedly with a drum stick. When I took the drum stick away and told him that it was for the drum and using it on my son this was was not safe, he had a mental break down and screamed for 20 minutes. I have been working with kids almost 20 years now, and kids hit each other and take toys from each other all the time, especially 2 year old boys. This is normal behavior... and to hear that woman call my son a bully when he is acting within the normal diaspora for a toddler.. well my blood boiled. I was so mad I simply smiled and told her if she felt that way it was best not to come back, while in my head I was jumping at her like a protective lion clawing her face off. How dare she talk about my son like that, I was raging in my head. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that I thought there was something wrong with her son, that he was wimpy and low functioning emotionally. I have been tooling the scene through my head all week. Trying to put it out of my head.. which has been challenging. I keep reminding myself that this wasn't my fault and my son was being completely normal for his age.. and feeling sorry for that woman that she would assume that I would let her kids get hurt in my care, and that I wouldn't protect them. Feeling sorry for those kids because obviously they don't have a parent that would teach them to handle adversity and face the world head on, showing them how to handle dealing socially with different personalities. Teaching them to cower in fear for something so petty, it just boggles my mind. But despite that my "motherly" hot love has been taking over and.. Im just so angry! I have been meditating and trying to not think about it all week.. but ya.. I'm mad.. no matter what I tell myself. This was the first time for me to have my motherly instinct enraged...and I know it will be challenged again... Hopefully I find ways of coping and taming the beast within before the next time. How do you cope with your motherly hot love?