A few months back I issued a challenge and I failed my own challenge. I fully planned to take this on wholeheartedly, but I must admit I did not force myself to do this. I planned on trying to be an eclectic pagan for 30 days and following the basics of that path. I posted on one of the forums I frequent, looking for suggestions and the basic response was, "Well, solitary eclectics get to do what ever they want so just go with what ever feels right". Well that was where I hit my problem.. my path already was what feels right. So I decided that I would go to my book shelf and pick out the first two books that called to me that I hadn't read in a while. So I picked up a book on shamanic healing that was loaned to me by a friend that I never looked at, and a book and cards kit on goddesses. I figured I would get familiar with both and then put together a shamanic goddess ritual for the next full moon. Well I tried..I picked up both and flipped through them several times. I tried to sit down and read them both. The problem was drive, I had no ambition to actually sit down and take time out of my day to read them. So there on my shelf by my bed the books sat. I would glance over at them saying to myself "I need to read those" but it just didn't happen.
My conclusions to this is that Solitary Eclectic was a bad choice on my part..I should have gone with something like Celtic Reconstructionism, Dianic or Buddhism, but Solitary Eclectic was way too broad. In the end we all follow what feels right to us, regardless if it has a certain structure or is a grab bag of ideas... If we didn't, we wouldn't follow it at all.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Fever
It is spring and I look out my window and see robins doing a mating dance in my back yard. It is nap time here at my house and the relaxation music is flowing in the background. I feed my daycare baby a bottle as he looks up into my eyes with a loving glance, and I can feel it, the back of my mind wishing and longing to be pregnant.
To have another child of my own.. to see 2 pink lines on a pee stick.. to get to eat everything in sight.. to shop for maternity clothes.. pick out new baby items... get new clothes ready for them.. to see my son kiss my expanding belly..to be ready to get this darn thing out of me! To have my bags ready to go..to hold a newborn for the first time and let them nurse hungrily at my breast... to walk around my house with a tiny newborn in my sling and stare at them sleeping at any time..
My body feels the fever all over, like a twitch in the back of my head that connects to every part of me. To me this is one of the most natural feelings in the world, and even though at times it can be wrenching and cruel, I welcome it. It shows me that I am alive and in tune with nature and who I am through the very core of my being. It is the creation of the world, the gift of the Goddess. For it is through me that the Goddess lives, and through my womb she calls me home.
To have another child of my own.. to see 2 pink lines on a pee stick.. to get to eat everything in sight.. to shop for maternity clothes.. pick out new baby items... get new clothes ready for them.. to see my son kiss my expanding belly..to be ready to get this darn thing out of me! To have my bags ready to go..to hold a newborn for the first time and let them nurse hungrily at my breast... to walk around my house with a tiny newborn in my sling and stare at them sleeping at any time..
My body feels the fever all over, like a twitch in the back of my head that connects to every part of me. To me this is one of the most natural feelings in the world, and even though at times it can be wrenching and cruel, I welcome it. It shows me that I am alive and in tune with nature and who I am through the very core of my being. It is the creation of the world, the gift of the Goddess. For it is through me that the Goddess lives, and through my womb she calls me home.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Passing of Wisdom
This morning, my great Aunt Pauline passed away at age 95. She was my grandmothers sister, and the last person of my grandmothers generation to pass. She was my oldest living relative of course. I was lucky enough to be able to take my son to meet her in January when I was visiting my family out east. It hit me really hard to hear of this because she was the last connection to that generation in our family. I remember being a little girl and sitting around the kitchen table with her and hearing stories of their youth and their lives. It has always been amazing to me what that generation got to see in their life times. Imagine being born in 1916.. before we had the technology we have today.. living through the great depression, and both World Wars.. the 60's...the cold war... and getting to see the changes that we see today. She was also the first generation of our family to be born in this country, as my great grandparents immigrated from Italy before they were born. The wisdom that has passed today is something that is such a huge loss to our families...no longer will we get to hear stories of the youth of my grandmother and her family... I hope every person out there today takes time to honor those that have lived such great long lives, and touched so many people.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Chai
Since giving up coffee, I not only have lost 15 pounds (um big woohoo!), but I have also started a new romance with Chai. I drink at least a cup a day of it and have been trying different brands. Here is a review of these:
Good Earth Chai- I would love it way more if it didn't have licorice (anise) in it.. it kinda cancels out all the wonder of the other spices and its all I can taste... I like the price though.
Stash Black Tea and Chai- love it.. but why do I have a hard time finding it in the store.. boo hiss!
Stash Green Chai- Oh Em Gee.... this is a heavenly blend! I love that when you steep it in 1/2 milk 1/2 water it comes out such a pretty light shade of spring green.. it tastes wonderful with sugar in the raw too.
Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice Chai- it is potent with the spices.. but I would like some caffeine please.. I'm a mother not a barbie doll.
Oregon Trail- the prices is blech.. the tea in the jugs was decent but such a waste of money... ya I know I should try the bags of you if you want a fair shake.
Local Indian Restaurant House Chai- the best chai ever when they brewed it... deep warm spices that were actually a touch on the real side of spicy.. I bought a box of it.. but it is a fine powder that when ever I add it to water it goes right through my tea strainer and leaves a nasty funky sludge on the bottom of my cup.. big Eeewww.... I guess I will have to go eat Indian food more because because the chai there was so good it was like the hottest actor or actress you can think of begging to give you oral...ya I know that is graphic.. but it was literally that good.
Good Earth Chai- I would love it way more if it didn't have licorice (anise) in it.. it kinda cancels out all the wonder of the other spices and its all I can taste... I like the price though.
Stash Black Tea and Chai- love it.. but why do I have a hard time finding it in the store.. boo hiss!
Stash Green Chai- Oh Em Gee.... this is a heavenly blend! I love that when you steep it in 1/2 milk 1/2 water it comes out such a pretty light shade of spring green.. it tastes wonderful with sugar in the raw too.
Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice Chai- it is potent with the spices.. but I would like some caffeine please.. I'm a mother not a barbie doll.
Oregon Trail- the prices is blech.. the tea in the jugs was decent but such a waste of money... ya I know I should try the bags of you if you want a fair shake.
Local Indian Restaurant House Chai- the best chai ever when they brewed it... deep warm spices that were actually a touch on the real side of spicy.. I bought a box of it.. but it is a fine powder that when ever I add it to water it goes right through my tea strainer and leaves a nasty funky sludge on the bottom of my cup.. big Eeewww.... I guess I will have to go eat Indian food more because because the chai there was so good it was like the hottest actor or actress you can think of begging to give you oral...ya I know that is graphic.. but it was literally that good.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Hot Love
I was once told in a class for my daycare license that the difference between a love for a child from a mother and a day care provider was that a mothers love was hot and a providers love was warm. A mothers love is fierce, protective, deep, passionate and eternal. A providers love is giving, safe, and when needed. Having a Day Care in my home with my son as one of the kids has been a journey for me to balance my hot love for him out while trying to care for him and the other kids. On one hand I see my son in the way of a mother, trying to protect my young at any cost. On the other it is about being objective and helping all the children in a way that aids their development. This week that was balance was testing in a profound way for me.
On Monday one of my clients came to me and said that her 5 year old claimed that she was being bullied by my 2 year old son. She also said her 2.5 year old was saying "he hit me" over and over. This is the same child who every time was at my house would go to the window and whimper "I'm sorry mommy" over and over and rarely play in my care. The child who got owned by a 10 month old. The child who would only play with his sister, and when she was here the two children formed a clique and never would play with other children. The same child, who hit my son on the head repeatedly with a drum stick. When I took the drum stick away and told him that it was for the drum and using it on my son this was was not safe, he had a mental break down and screamed for 20 minutes. I have been working with kids almost 20 years now, and kids hit each other and take toys from each other all the time, especially 2 year old boys. This is normal behavior... and to hear that woman call my son a bully when he is acting within the normal diaspora for a toddler.. well my blood boiled. I was so mad I simply smiled and told her if she felt that way it was best not to come back, while in my head I was jumping at her like a protective lion clawing her face off. How dare she talk about my son like that, I was raging in my head. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that I thought there was something wrong with her son, that he was wimpy and low functioning emotionally. I have been tooling the scene through my head all week. Trying to put it out of my head.. which has been challenging. I keep reminding myself that this wasn't my fault and my son was being completely normal for his age.. and feeling sorry for that woman that she would assume that I would let her kids get hurt in my care, and that I wouldn't protect them. Feeling sorry for those kids because obviously they don't have a parent that would teach them to handle adversity and face the world head on, showing them how to handle dealing socially with different personalities. Teaching them to cower in fear for something so petty, it just boggles my mind. But despite that my "motherly" hot love has been taking over and.. Im just so angry! I have been meditating and trying to not think about it all week.. but ya.. I'm mad.. no matter what I tell myself. This was the first time for me to have my motherly instinct enraged...and I know it will be challenged again... Hopefully I find ways of coping and taming the beast within before the next time. How do you cope with your motherly hot love?
On Monday one of my clients came to me and said that her 5 year old claimed that she was being bullied by my 2 year old son. She also said her 2.5 year old was saying "he hit me" over and over. This is the same child who every time was at my house would go to the window and whimper "I'm sorry mommy" over and over and rarely play in my care. The child who got owned by a 10 month old. The child who would only play with his sister, and when she was here the two children formed a clique and never would play with other children. The same child, who hit my son on the head repeatedly with a drum stick. When I took the drum stick away and told him that it was for the drum and using it on my son this was was not safe, he had a mental break down and screamed for 20 minutes. I have been working with kids almost 20 years now, and kids hit each other and take toys from each other all the time, especially 2 year old boys. This is normal behavior... and to hear that woman call my son a bully when he is acting within the normal diaspora for a toddler.. well my blood boiled. I was so mad I simply smiled and told her if she felt that way it was best not to come back, while in my head I was jumping at her like a protective lion clawing her face off. How dare she talk about my son like that, I was raging in my head. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that I thought there was something wrong with her son, that he was wimpy and low functioning emotionally. I have been tooling the scene through my head all week. Trying to put it out of my head.. which has been challenging. I keep reminding myself that this wasn't my fault and my son was being completely normal for his age.. and feeling sorry for that woman that she would assume that I would let her kids get hurt in my care, and that I wouldn't protect them. Feeling sorry for those kids because obviously they don't have a parent that would teach them to handle adversity and face the world head on, showing them how to handle dealing socially with different personalities. Teaching them to cower in fear for something so petty, it just boggles my mind. But despite that my "motherly" hot love has been taking over and.. Im just so angry! I have been meditating and trying to not think about it all week.. but ya.. I'm mad.. no matter what I tell myself. This was the first time for me to have my motherly instinct enraged...and I know it will be challenged again... Hopefully I find ways of coping and taming the beast within before the next time. How do you cope with your motherly hot love?
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