This is not my first pregnancy loss. Back in 2006 I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. As soon as I found out, I lost the pregnancy. It took me a long time to heal. We still started trying right away after the loss. But this is different this time. I was pregnant for an entire trimester. I went through all the symptoms, being nauseated all day every day, and struggling to stay awake. I even got to feel the baby kicking me in those final weeks of being pregnant. I had much longer to get used to the idea of having another child. But now that is gone.
It has made some things very hard. Facebook is just horrible at times, and it makes me glad I have 2 accounts because honestly, my primary account is loaded with other child bearing mothers and I see a pregnancy announcement every week it feels like. Going out and about is hard too, because pregnant women are everywhere. I am very happy for them, but every time I see a round belly, it is a reminder that My Jessie is gone. We went from planning to have another family member to trying to cope as a family with the loss of that new family member. My 3 year old son was just starting to get the concept that mommy had a baby in her tummy. He still asks about "Mommies Baby" and I just do not know what to say to him. He understands death as squishing a bug.
I now get some perks, like being able to drink at a bunch of parties and gatherings that I was not going to be able to. I am actually looking forward to getting a bit tipsy at the Samhain festival in a few weeks. I am also looking forward to the homemade hard cider my friends are making for Yule. I got to dye my hair seeing as that I had massive roots from getting highlights early in the summer. I also do not have to worry about the fact that I only had one pair of Maternity jeans and had to buy more for the winter to make it through till March, when I was due. I also get to do some magical workings I was wanting to do since I do not do spell work while pregnant. And I get to be intimate with my hubby without worrying If my nausea will take over and I will get sick on him.
But none of that compares to having my child that I was expecting in my arms and alive and healthy. Healing emotionally is the hardest part of it all. There is nothing anyone can really say that makes the pain hurt less. Some people suggest turning to faith to heal. And I do, but no matter how much I meditate or cleanse with salt, or how often I wear hematite, nothing is a cure all. I know that only time can heal these wounds.
I find strength in staying busy. I have been writing more blogs, working on planning the Samhain Retreat, working, cleaning my house over and over... the list goes on and on. I find that the more I do physically, the less time I have to think about how sad I am about loosing my child. Having a long to do list is so comforting. I just worry that if I do not face these emotions I will not heal the way I need to.
There is one thing that I am hoping helps with the healing process, a passing ritual for Jessie. My close friend Coedwig will be doing the ritual in Jessie's Honor in a few weeks. He planned our sons baby blessing for us and it was wonderful. I am hoping that ritually saying goodbye helps and I feel closure in some aspects. But I know that the pain of this all will always be with me. I hope that I can find the inner strength to grow from this experience and find peace with it all.