The Scarf

I sit here this morning with my friend B and she brought over a bunch of yarn and gizmos to help you knit.. so as I sit here I am knitting my first scarf for my son. I admit, not my first choice of crafts and I do not see myself knitting on a regular basis. However so see the scarf forming before my eyes is a sense of accomplishment. I am very proud of myself. Pics to come.

I am a Mother, I am a creator.

As I sit here playing with my son and the DCkid today, I have been watching the movie "Julie & Julia". I have to say this movie has so far brought out allot in me. I came to realize that I am a creator. I love to cook and come up with my own recipes. I try to find new ways to make traditional foods healthy and healthy foods tasty. I often make one and an impressed with myself and find myself thinking of how I can share it with other people. Or wondering if I should sell my latest batch of homemade incense so that others can enjoy it too who are not as able as I to make such wonderful scents. I think that in my daily routines as a mother, I have forgotten how much of a creator I am. I am always making something, be it food, incense or a piece of art, I am creating. I think it is time for me to embrace more of this side of myself and expand. I have so many things I can share with people in this glorious gift called life. Well here is to creation.. I am thinking you will all start to see some of my creations here more often!

A moment of me time reflection..

I am sitting here tired as anything.. with a major hangover.. my son is cranky and I am trying to hold him off for a nap until after lunch (which is cooking and has about 20 minutes left to go) so that I may be able to take a nap too. The whining from him is just going on and on and on. He keeps stealing blankets and hiding away to suck his thumb (that worries me.. I know I am going to have a had time in a year or so when I try to break this habit).. I should be getting up to go stir the potatoes in the oven.. but this hang over is taking a huge effect on my brain. Is it 1pm yet??

Just want to share

this is a great little blog post and it is simple yet very very true.
http://fansofbeingamom.com/?cat=28

Belief-o-matic

Ever wonder what your real faith is? Ever drive down the street and wonder "what percent of thought is my thinking towards the ......... religion?" Well Beliefnet now has a quiz to tell you exactly what religion and how you think. In just 20 questions YOU can find your faith. Beleifnet will ask you questions dealing from creationism, practice, and even taboo subjects like abortion and gay rights. We compile your data and tell you your faith in MINUTES. What might a deal like this cost? ITS ABSOLUTELY FREE. Call us now for your FREE Belief-o-matic test. Hurry this offer may expire, and prices like these are INSANE!!

Seeking new sites

Despite my rather bleak outlook towards the pagan online community in general, I have joined two new pagan networking sites. Ya.. fun stuff. So.. am I the only one who wonders about the people who send you a friend invite the moment you have created your account? I think this is a Jersey thing.. but the words "I DON"T KNOW YOU" with a bit of sass just fly through my head. I know they are just trying to be friendly and meet new people.. but honestly, these people have NO CLUE how much of an asshole I can be when I can anonymously post my thoughts on the internet. Its like a ninja, who is only bad ass at night when he has his kick butt ninja outfit on. Or me when I would have my steel toed combat boots on... I didn't care who I kicked in the shins! I had to give those bad boys away after getting into trouble a few times in concert mosh pits. But in all honesty. Don't people want to get a better feel of you before inviting? at least have a profile ready to go and up? Am I the only one who reads a persons entire profile before I click "accept"?

One off my list

As I quit all of my apps yesterday.. (thank you Rusty for the push and telling me just to do it!!) I started sketching again last night.. nothing really meaningful yet.. but I have a new drawing in the works.. It makes me feel sooo good to do this.. I am aching to go get my drawing materials from my craft room in the basement and start working on my newest creation! here is to the first step!

And "Light a Candle" strikes again..

So I posted on a new pagan forum yesterday about how I was feeling about Haiti and felt helpless.. just to feel this group out. Well.. wouldn't you know I was told to light a candle yet again. I am beginning to think that 'lighting a candle" is the only thing these dumb ass net pagans know how to do. Give me something different please.. how about a "dance naked" or "cook a stew" but please stop saying "light a candle".. unless it is a Roman candle.

The "Apps" wasteland...

For the 100th time today I found myself having to delete another smiley and angel from my facebook page... I got sick of it and posted a biter remark about having to delete them.. and my good.. well more like Great (since it rhymes.. I love a good rhyme) friend Nate said in response, that I should go through and clean out my apps. Well.. what a fricken eye opener!!! 193 apps.. holy fricken cow!!! that is allot of time I have wasted on quizzes and games! 965 minutes alone if I spent just 5 minutes with every App. Not including the countless hours on MafiaWars and other crap games like farmtown. Just think of everything I could be doing instead! Like exercising more.. working with my son on learning new tricks.. the list can go on and on here..

I need to stop.. I need to rethink my life. Today I am spending time deleting the majority of these apps from my facebook account.. I am hoping that I get the balls to delete the ones that have taken the most time out of my life.. we will see how that goes!

And so it is January...

Cold..grey...cabin feverish.. January. Not my favorite month.. I am already getting the urge to get out side and sit on my back porch with a camp fire going with a cup of coffee in one hand and a book in the other.. ahh now that sounds like heaven! I guess that is a good sign though.. because that means I am craving some me time! I can't wait till my son gets to an age where I can let him play outside and not have to chase him around pulling things like acorns and twigs out of his mouth.

I have my altar set up down stairs... and a few changes made to a room that was an attempted library back in the 70's.. but the spring green paint on the walls needs to go...and the pile of trash in the center of the room from all the demo I did to the room needs to go too.. and a few boxes that need to be organized.. It will be a great room.. but DANG if I had the energy.. I think this weather is just sucking it out of me!

It has been below zero for at least 3 weeks now.. we are supposed to move up to the 30's this week.. I am hoping that changes my mood a bit..

I have been doing something positive though... I have been doing yoga..and I feel physically great.. I have lost 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks.. go me! However I have not been able to bring myself to post or barely even stalk a pagan message board... I swear if I hear the term "light a candle" anytime soon I will be mentally shoving that candle up thier ass!

This might be a long rant..

Well I have been AFK for a few weeks from my blog.. a combination of my laptop being broken down and not having the time to go down to the basement to use our PC.. my husbands laptop finally started loading webpages.. AND... the holidays are finally over...

I am aching to put my tree away... however my visiting mother asked me to keep it up a few more days... I give it 1 week max before I start sneaking ornaments into boxes when she isn't looking :-)

I did do something positive with my time away from my blog.. I set up an altar.. and I got a Zune for Christmas and uploaded a collection of classic rock.

So.. I took some time today to paruse a pagan board I have been spying on lately. I wonder if my choice of board is poor.. or I have become so jaded that neo- pagans in general are a bunch of fru-fru fluffy bunnies.. and all the pagans I used to like to chat with are just gone??

An example of this is a post from a woman regarding being new to the craft and feeling overwhelmed by book selections...

..4 of the 6 posts responding to this woman suggested she start with Cunningham...since when was Cunningham ever a good writer? I will give the guy credit though.. he is wonderful at writing "do what ever you want and say its your faith" and putting it into 2 books and selling it... that guy would be rich if he was still alive today. Don't get me wrong.. his incense oils and brews book is good.. some of his other books are probably good too.. but Guide for the Solitary Practitioner.. might as well read Silver Raven Wolf... hell Laurie Cabot might be a step up from those idiots.

It's like internet pagans in general are complete fluffer nutters...

Spiritual Message Boards

Have you ever noticed how when it comes to spiritual based message boards, you become very aware how full of shit people are?? I swear some of these people must sit on the crapper and shit out sunshine, rainbows, and the answer to world hunger and peace.

One post in particular was written by a woman who just caught her husband cheating on her in her bed. One person actually responded to the woman by suggesting she light a "plum" candle annointed with lavendar oil and pray for open communication.

WTF.. first off what is with a plum candle? A plum scented candle? so you are suggesting that a smelly candle manufactured by some poor sweatshop kid is going to help this woman? and then you are suggesting rubbing more scented oil on it to make it smell like 2 different things.. great lets give the poor woman a headache on top of being angry and distraught about her situation... and if you meant a purple candle.. why not say PURPLE instead of sounding like a flowery fruit cake?

Point number 2- If I found my husband in our bed with another woman I would need a hell of allot more than a candle.. a candle would not hit his head hard enough and the flame would be out before it hit him.. how about a bowling ball and a blow torch?

I just don't get what goes on in these peoples heads.. do they sit around all day meditating to pure moods, rubbing themselves down with oil and lighting 7 types of scented walmart candles.. with incense going at the same time.. and meditating with magnets on their heads while their kids massage their feet? do they actually take time out of their day to be mothers?

Does Busy equal Lazy?

I have been bad this week.. I have not followed up on any of my "homework". Instead I have been working, then doing turkey day.. then holiday shopping.. today I could have done something for my homework.. but instead I made a pot of chilly, cleaned the kitchen and started getting ready to put the tree up.. does making myself busy constitute laziness for my spiritual side? I have felt the close family spirituality and love this week allot.. planning for Yule, Christmas and Chanukah. We plan on celebrating them all this year.. no one in our family really subscribes to the judeo-christian faiths, but we still want to expose our son to these religions, so that he can choose his faith when he is ready.. But as for my own spirituality.. still just a block.. like constipation. Too bad there isn't a spiritual laxative.. just take one and see the gods!

Day 1 of my check list.

So far so good!

Last night I emailed a pagan author, and got a very prompt response to my surprise. I also contacted an old pagan friend, and got a brief convo with them. I also went on a walk with my son after nap time today. I also asked my husband to let me take a nap today and he not only said "yes" but surprised me with a capacino when I woke up.

Last night I tried to email 2 New Age authors. One email wouldn't send, the other sent and I was given a reply within 30 minutes. I have to say, I am extrememly impressed with Patricia Telesco's response time. I think that I will personally go out and buy another book of hers. She has written over 100 of them, and I really enjoyed "The Kitchen Witches Cookbook". Her advice was short, sweet and solid:

"I've always felt my life is the altar - if we live prayerfully and keep that doorway open, then there's no need to necessarily stop and 'refind' ... 'adjust' might be a better term. In those moments when your focus does not seem to inspire you to be the best possible human, that's when you need to shift and figure out what's working and what's not."

So now I ask myself.. what is working and what is not? I think That might be a meditation in itself!

The Plan

Not to be confused with the awesome conclusion to Battle Star Galactica...

In an effort to reclaim some of my lost spirituality (without posting flyers around the neighborhood that say "Missing: My Spirituality.. and a touch of my sanity"), I have decided that building a "To Do" list might be in order. Normally and in my younger years, young Jazzy would have said WTF to a to do list in general.. let alone one to find some missing spirituality. However, with the pressures of running a business and being a mother, To Do lists are my savior! So.. who knows if any of these will work.. but its a start!


1. Find some more me time... shower time is your only time besides nap time.. and taking a shower till the hot water runs out in hopes of a few more minutes alone is obviously not enough now.

2. Share this blog with 5 old pagan friends, reconnect and consider their advice.

3. Join a pagan message board and post a topic.. how have other moms retained their spirituality?

4. Contact a Pagan Author and ask for their advice.

5. Take up some form of spiritualy based exercise.

6. Get drunk and watch "sacred planet"....

7. Reduce Internet time in general.. there are only so many times you can read CNN or Babyzone posts.

8. Connect with another mother who seems to have her head on straight and still maintains a vision of spirituality in the world (I am thinking BuddyLove from BZ is perfect for this)

9. Research at least 3 different Mother Goddesses from different cultures.

10. start drawing again

11. burn some incense at least once every 5 days... candles too! just think your flameless scentsy candles should be here next week.. gotta love child safe candles!

12. take more walks

13. find some me time!

The begining.

I was sitting in the shower while my son was napping, and my husband was listening to the Hawkeye game, attempting to meditate. I was trying to feel some sort of resemblence of the spirituality I felt about 5 years ago before I was married with children..when All I had was myself and I felt a connection to the earth and my gods in every part of my body. I was feeling some sort of bliss standing alone in the shower scrubbing myself down with my body poof and some old Bath and Body Works gardenia shower gel. But that came to a crashing hault when my husband started blasting "Afternoon Delight" from the next room. I got out of the shower, and before I was even done toweling off I was greated at the door of the bathroom by my husband who came in trying to play a radio parody for me to "Afternoon Delight". I usually love that song, but after that moment I felt that I might never listen to the song the same way again.

I have been in the happiest time of my life for a long time. I love my family.. being a mother has been the greatest love I have ever known. Then why do I no longer feel a connection to my spirituality? Isn't your spiritual center supposed to come from the same place as love? Had hundreds of poopy diapers clouded my connection to the Earth? How do I get it back? Was it gone for ever? What do I do?