The Spiritual Mother

Celebrating Motherhood as a Spiritual Guide and Path.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Blossoming Jasmine Journal Entry 3

I look back on the original Entry 3 that is still saved in my drafts folder and I am shocked with the changes in my life since that time.  See the original one was my pregnancy announcement that never was posted and "Here and Gone" was posted instead.  I would be sitting here with Jessie in my lap and the thought of that is strange to me.  Since that time, I have changed so much about my life and become almost a new person.  While I still long for more children, where I am now puts it further down the road for me and I am finally okay with that.  Coming to terms with this was hard for me, but ultimately put me in a better place.  And I know my son and any future children will be better off with the changes I have made.

The first and most important change is that I am getting divorced.  I have been married for 6 years to a video game addict that repeatedly verbally abused me.  He rarely spent any time with me or my son and instead focused on video games giving us a total of about 20 minutes a day of attention and about the same amount of time on weekends.  I got belittled for my faith, my looks and my body and the fact that I was struggling to keep up with all the house chores on my own while running my own business, being a mother, maintaining 2 blogs, working with local pagan communities and performing with the local belly dance troupe.  I would get yelled at  and told I was lazy if the house was not perfect and treated like I should be some 1950's wife who says "yes dear anything for you".  Towards the end this man not only said I was not attractive enough to have sex with anymore, but I was asked for an open relationship so he could sleep with other women.  So many people  keep asking me if I am okay.. Yes I am okay.  I am happy to be done with this boy parading around in a man's body.  We are trying to do this amicably and he is my roommate while we separate our things and I get ready for the next big change in my life.  The hardest part was realizing that my goal to have another child is held off indefinitely.  However I plan on getting in-vitro in the next few years to complete our little family if I find myself in the right place to do so.

The next big change is that I am shutting down my day care business and moving cross country to share a house with my mother who will be 70 this year.  I will be going to school again this time for a new career that  I have thought about off and on for years but never took seriously.  I will be studying Cosmetology for my first year, and getting my license.  I will then also become an Esthitician and skin care specialist, with the hopes of working in a spa environment.  I also have the opportunity to train with my cousins partner who is a famous makeup artist.  I have not full decided yet what my end path will be, but I want to be in a career that I can help people feel good about themselves, I also love art and aromatherapy, which I hope to use in this new path.  I am excited about this move and since I decided to do it, it has been divinely guided to the point where every detail is falling into place and happening without any set backs.  My tradition has a large community out there which I miss desperately.  My family is there and I love being close to NYC and the Shore.  I feel like I have a new chance at life and I am very happy about that.

My son will be going through changes as well.  As most of you know I have been a work at home mom since the day he was born.  He has never been in child care outside of our family and friends.  He will be living with me 10 months out of the year and spending a few weeks in the summer with my soon to be ex husband.  I am dreading those few weeks because the longest I have been away from him is 3 days since the day he was born.  But he will have amazing opportunities with us living so close to the city and near my family.  I know he will miss his dad in the long run, but this is the best option for us.  My mother will be taking care of him during the day while I am in school and we plan on signing him up for dance lessons and maybe preschool a few days a week.  He is so excited about the move and asks every day if its the day we get to go.

These changes have all required strength from me.  That strength has come from a place I thought I had lost many years ago.  Many people don't realize that I was a dancer and baton twirler for 13 years growing up and was even on a World champion team that won the title almost 10 years in a row.  I lost my ability to dance back in 2001 after I was in a car accident where I split and herniated a disc in my neck.  It took years for me to be able to have a daily life where I was not in pain, I also gained weight from not being able to move like I used to.  Back in the fall I decided to take that part of my life back and started taking Tribal Belly Dance lessons with a local troupe.  I not only lost 35 pounds in a few months, but I also began to get my body back again.  It will never be what it was before my accident, but ever day I get stronger and stronger.  I also learned to face my biggest fear since I was a girl, showing my stomach to others.  I have always hated the way my tummy looks and having to show it has given me new confidence in myself.  The first time I did show it was in the St. Patty's Parade.  Little did I know how many people would be at the parade and that it was televised!  Lets just say I got over the fear quick when I realized everyone and their mothers had seen my belly exposed!  I slowly over time have learned to love my body again and it grows every day and that strength has filtered to all areas of my life.  Dancing gave me the confidence to stand up and refuse to be treated the way my soon to be ex treated me, to go for all my goals and to take in my hand the life that I want for me and my son.  I feel like I am budding out in new ways each day.  I am definitely blossoming again in life and I am proud of the woman I am and the woman I am growing towards being each day.  Thank you all for your continued support.  ~Jasmine.